The Power of Validation
By: Rochelle Perper, Ph.D. | August 9, 2024
We all want to feel heard, accepted, valued, and even loved. When we validate someone, we are essentially giving them this experience. Life can be confusing and difficult for all of us, but when we are genuinely validated, we feel acknowledged and reassured that we are not alone. Life seems more manageable, and we become more resilient. When we learn how to see and validate people as they are, we give each other a gift that’s in short supply in our world today.
The act of validating someone seems conceptually easy, but subtle and difficult to grasp in real life. After all, who hasn’t tried to cheer up a friend when they felt down, reassuring them that things weren’t so bad; that they shouldn’t feel a certain way? This article discusses the power of validation: what it is, what it isn’t, and how we can use it to deepen relationships, grow empathy, and improve communication.
What is Validation?
Validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting another person’s experience and communicating that it is inherently valid. When we validate someone, we respond to their emotional reality, their thoughts, speech, behavior, beliefs, perspectives, and ideas.
To understand validation, we must discuss its opposite. Invalidation is not accepting the person in front of us, as they are. When we invalidate someone, we deny their experience. We contradict them, undermine them, doubt them, disagree with them or judge them. We tell them that what they feel or perceive is wrong, that they are mistaken, and what they are going through is not justifiable, legitimate or logical.
This all sounds harsh, doesn’t it? You might think to yourself “I would never do that!”
It may seem like invalidation is quite an aggressive thing to do, but invalidations can be small, subtle, and even come from a place of concern or an attempt to help. I’ve certainly been guilty of invalidations. For example, consider my friend who is frightened in the dark. In an effort to help my friend and save her from this uncomfortable feeling, I might say “There’s nothing to be afraid of, don’t worry.” Although well intended, the message my friend hears is: “you’re wrong for feeling this way.” Inadvertently, I’ve communicated that she should be ashamed of her feelings.
Below are a few other examples of invalidation:
- “Calm down, there’s nothing to be so stressed about!”
- “Stop being so self-conscious, you look great.”
- “Lots of people say they don’t want kids – but you’ll change your mind, just wait.”
- “You’re overthinking it; no one cares about what you said.”
- “Oh, you’re overreacting, it’s not that bad.”
- “Don’t be so offended, it was meant as a joke!”
- “You like mayonnaise with your fries? Weird” 😉
What Validation Isn’t
Validation doesn’t mean we agree with the other person, or like what they experience, or even understand it fully. When we validate someone, a common misconception is that we must agree with something that’s wrong or do nothing to remedy the problem. On the contrary, when we validate someone, we can learn more about the problem and thus find more effective solutions. When we focus only on the facts, we miss the emotional content – which is often how we feel most connected.
Why is Validation So Hard?
Many people struggle with validation because they genuinely cannot see the point. If someone has a different internal experience or their perceptions don’t match with what they consider “objective reality,” they push back against it, argue with it, deny or avoid it. Practically minded people may have trouble with validation because it seems more natural for them to look for obvious solutions, gather data, and match the other person’s perceptions up with their own experience of the world.
To genuinely validate someone, we must refrain from judgment, another reason why validation is so hard. When we validate others, we acknowledge their experience as valid, whatever it is. We can’t do this properly if we criticize or make judgments about what we think they should feel or believe what their perceptions of reality should be. This happens especially when the other person is angry with us, or they’ve been hurt by something we did or said. It’s natural to want to defend ourselves and provide missing information that would make them feel differently.
You don’t have to agree or share another person’s opinion to offer validation. You don’t have to relate to the way they tell the story or what they choose to focus on, but you can still communicate that they are entitled to feel that way, regardless of how your experience compares to theirs.
Remember, every person’s experience has the right to exist as it is.
How to Validate
- Center the other person’s experience as the only frame of reference that matters. Be curious and give your full attention to the other person, without trying to apply your own interpretation. Empathy, or seeing someone else’s experience through your own frame of reference, can communicate care, but it can also alienate if you make someone else’s experience more about you and less about them. Rather, remove as much of your own experience as possible. When you center on the other person you make them the priority, and your opinion, society’s expectations, judgments, and criticisms are all set aside.
- Acknowledge that your reality differs completely from someone else’s. This takes on special importance when the person differs in race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, or appearance, etc. than you. Create a special space for the person to just be. Listen carefully with an open mind to understand better their unique point of view and experience.
- Resist the urge to problem solve or minimize a person’s feelings. When we feel compelled to jump in and say something, it’s usually because we’re feeling uncomfortable at that moment. Inquire with genuine curiosity about how the person is feeling rather than telling them how to feel. When you give people the room to express themselves, they often reach their own conclusions and decide for themselves what action to take next.
- Practice accurate reflection: Offer a genuine response that summarizes what you’ve heard. You do not need to provide any original input or insight. Simply repeat what you’ve heard by reiterating the most important parts of the person’s story or distill the main essence of what they’re feeling.
- Communicate that you “get it”: Reassure the person that they are not weird or bad for feeling how they do but only having a perfectly normal and common experience. To deepen the emotional connection, you can reveal something about yourself or offer up an occasion of your own vulnerability. By doing so, you are saying to the other person “your perspective is valid; the way you’re experience this situation makes sense.” Be careful, however, to not hijack the conversation and make it more about you and less about the other person when sharing a time when you felt similarly.
These phrases can help communicate that the person’s experience is inherently valid:
- “It’s understandable that you feel this way.”
- “Considering what you’ve been through, it makes sense that you feel like this.”
- “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve felt similarly before, and it’s awful.”
- “You have a reason for feeling the way you do; I can understand it better now.”
Returning to my friend who fears the dark, I must accept that she is the ultimate authority of her own inner experience. If she expresses that she is scared even though I see no danger, I can express curiosity and remain open to learn more. I accept that in her internal experience, she is scared. Considering the trauma that she has experienced, I realize that it makes sense why she feels this way.
Get the Help You Need
Mastering the art of validation takes practice, and we all miss the mark sometimes. It’s not easy being a beginner at validating ourselves or others. Working with a professional San Diego Psychologist at Therapy Changes will help you develop skills to deepen emotional connections, improve communication, and strengthen your relationships. There are many benefits of working with a private practice therapist. For example, you and your therapist will work collaboratively to create a plan that is unique to you and your specific situation using evidence-based practices to help you accomplish your goals. You don’t have to go it alone.
Contact Us today to learn more about how therapy works and what to expect and schedule an appointment with a talented member of our team. We look forward to hearing from you soon.
