Am I a People Pleaser or Just a Nice Person?

Have you ever found yourself agreeing to something you didn’t want to do, just to avoid disappointing someone, and then wondered – am I a people pleaser or just a nice person? The truth is the distinction between being a people pleaser and simply being kind can be more nuanced than you might think. People pleasers (PPs) desire to keep everyone happy. They are generous, kind, caring, and always willing to lend a hand. These are great qualities! So, what’s the problem? A problem occurs when the pleaser prioritizes others’ needs and wants above their own, sacrificing their own well-being in the process. People pleasing is an unhealthy pattern of focusing on others before oneself.

Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no?” Do you feel guilty if you can’t make everyone happy? Are you afraid of disappointing others? Is it a struggle to fulfill everyone else’s needs and wants? Do you feel obligated to satisfy every wish, desire, whim, and request from others in order to stay on good terms with them? If so, these are all signs of being a people pleaser.

There’s a fine line between PP-ing and just being a nice person. Let’s review what PP-ing can look like from the list below.

Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser

• Do you go to restaurants with friends despite knowing you don’t like the cuisine? Do you sit there with a smile on your face while your friends are enjoying their meal?
• Do you stay silent when you want to share an opinion that others may disagree with?
• Did you go to a college or into a profession just to make your parents happy?
• Do you agree to do things with your friends that you don’t want to, because if you don’t, you fear they might abandon you?
• Do you stay quiet or ignore your feelings when someone does something that offends you?
• Do you dedicate so much time and energy to friends or work that it becomes difficult to manage your own life and happiness?
• Do you know what makes you happy, or are you so focused on others’ happiness that you struggle to recognize what brings you joy?

 Where Does People Pleasing Come From?

There are many factors that can contribute to someone becoming a PP-er, including past experiences of abandonment, abuse or trauma. Experiencing anxiety, including social anxiety, fear of rejection, and insecurity can lead to people-pleasing behaviors as a way to protect oneself. The desire to fit in and gain acceptance often stems from a need to feel safe and secure, which can drive PP-ers to prioritize others’ needs over their own to avoid conflict or disapproval.

One way to help determine if you are a PP-er is to listen to your feelings. Do you fear abandonment? Do you feel guilty about saying “no?” Are you burnt out because you give more to your friends than to yourself? Do you ever feel truly seen?

Empower Yourself: Moving Beyond People-Pleasing

So, you’ve recognized that you’re a people pleaser. What’s the next step? First, take an inventory of what makes YOU happy. What were you doing the last time you felt joy? What type of food do you delight in? What is your favorite film, book, or TV show? What makes you feel energized or relaxed: a hobby, a sport, a pastime? Spend some time by yourself and see what comes up when you’re not influenced by your friends. This time alone will help you discover what truly resonates with you, allowing you to connect with your authentic self.

The Art of Saying ‘No’

If you’ve identified yourself as a PP-er, begin to acknowledge that your time and effort are valuable, but limited resources. It’s important to Learn The Power of Saying “No” without feeling guilty. This might be challenging at first, especially if you’re used to putting others’ needs ahead of your own, but remember, it’s a skill that takes time to develop. Acknowledge that it’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being. You can’t be everything to everybody, and learning to honor your own needs is a crucial step toward a healthier, more balanced life.

With practice, you’ll start to feel more comfortable saying “no,” and over time, it will become easier to do so without guilt.

The next time someone asks you to do something, hit the pause button for a few moments before responding and ask yourself: “Is this something I really want to commit to?” If the answer is “no,” do your best not to apologize when declining to participate. Saying “no” might feel like you’re doing something wrong but prioritizing yourself isn’t the wrong thing to do.

These are hard habits to break, especially if you have a history of trauma, or if PP-ing was a way to cope with unhealthy relationships when you were growing up.

If you’re struggling to change these behaviors, therapy with a San Diego psychologist at Therapy Changes can help. Our talented team of therapists are well versed in people pleasing behaviors, boundary setting, conflict management, treating trauma, and addressing self-esteem issues.

Contact Us today to schedule an appointment and secure professional support and guidance to help you on your path to authenticity and self-worth.

Photo by Anna Selle on Unsplash