Understanding, and Overcoming Perfectionism

Some of us wear the label “perfectionist” as a badge of honor. It can be considered a positive quality, showing that we are and pay close attention to detail. What isn’t as well understood is that perfectionism can do more harm than good. It can damage our self-esteem and confidence, put a strain on our relationships, and lead to other emotional health concerns like anxiety and depression. This article will explore what it means to be a “perfectionist” and if you consider yourself to be one, how to overcome these damaging tendencies.

When perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver! ~ Brené Brown.

What is Perfectionism?

If you are hard on yourself, have a difficult time completing tasks, and struggle to find peace in your life, you might be a perfectionist. Not all perfectionism is created equal. There is adaptive, or helpful perfectionism, and then there’s the toxic kind. Early theorists (Hamachek, 1978, Hollender, 1965) described adaptive perfectionism as striving for excellence while accepting that things will never be perfect. Maladaptive perfectionism, on the other hand, is striving for perfection to the extent of accepting nothing less. With maladaptive perfectionism, you can imagine that little can be accomplished if you are waiting for the elusive vision of what we think is “perfect.”

Types of Perfectionism

Flett and Hewitt (2002) described a multi-dimensional definition to perfectionism and described the following three forms of perfectionism:

1. Self-oriented perfectionism: This is described as a tendency to self-impose unrealistically high and impossible standards for oneself to attain. These standards often fuel heightened self-criticism, and when combined with negative life events or circumstances can evoke feelings of depression.
2. Other oriented perfectionism: This occurs when people with perfectionism expect others to match up to their unrealistically high standards and expectations. These people often struggle with participating in teamwork and fear delegating tasks to others due to fear of being disappointed by others subpar performances. They may also experience difficulties in their interpersonal relationships in the form of anger towards others, distrust, and relationship stress.
3. Socially prescribed perfectionism: This occurs when one assumes that others have unrealistic and impossible expectations and standards from you. People who experience socially prescribed perfectionism often rely on seeking approval from others and engage in people pleasing behaviors. It is important to note that these expectations and standards are believed to be imposed by others and are NOT self-imposed. Hence, people who experience socially prescribed perfectionism may experience anger towards others, depression (if these standards are not necessarily met), and possibly even social anxiety due to their fear of being judged and evaluated by others.

What Causes Perfectionism?

The emergence of perfectionism is considered to be rooted in childhood experiences. People with perfectionism may likely experience a highly critical upbringing. It is likely that they were raised in an environment that was overly strict and restrictive, thereby making them fearful of experiencing disapproval from others and/or feelings of inadequacy. It is also possible that when children are over-corrected for their experiences, they may internalize highly critical comments and develop a critical view of self, which is often associated with perfectionism.

The Negative Effects of Perfectionism

Research indicates that setting high standards and adequately challenging goals is a vital source of motivation and helps us be productive at work. However, when these standards are excessively high, inflexible, and rigid, it fosters perfectionism. Burns (1980) reported that people with perfectionistic tendencies often focus on their productivity as a reflection of their self-worth. They also have an intense drive to achieve perfection in their appearance, relationships, and other areas of their lives. To strive for the degree of perfection, which often has limitless bounds, people become inherently critical of themselves and others. Perfectionism can also often lead to frustration towards self and others, feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. In fact, Dr. Brené Brown (2010) has described how perfectionism is not about achievement and growth, but it serves as a shield for individuals to protect themselves from the pain of judgment, blame and feelings of shame. Overall, perfectionism and perfectionistic tendencies can deeply penetrate our lives and impact our psychological well-being and social relationships.

Negative impacts of perfectionism:

1. Procrastination
2. Over-commitment
3. Perfection paralysis and missed opportunities
4. Micromanagement
5. High Burn out

The Solution

To rid ourselves of the endless cycle of perfectionism doesn’t mean that we need to lower our standards or compromise our vision. It does, however, mean that we must set more realistic expectations of what is reasonably manageable given the constraints of the circumstances. There’s nothing wrong with having high standards for ourselves, provided that our goals align with reality.

Use the following strategies to reduce perfectionistic tendencies:

1. The 70% rule: There are several different applications of the 70% rule. For some, it might mean moving forward with a course of action with 70% of the information. It could also mean turning in a project that is 70% complete or taking a break when you’re 70% of the way toward your goal. The rationale for the 70% rule is that if you wait for 100%, you’ll never get there.
2. Be compassionate: If you’re the type of person who is supportive and encouraging with your friends and family, offer the same type of support and understanding for yourself. People make mistakes, and there are factors in life that none of us can control. Having compassion for ourselves gives us the confidence and the security to know that things will be okay, even when things aren’t perfect.
3. View perfection as a process: Perfection does not need to be a result; it can be a process. The act of improving and having the courage and strength to keep trying is truly remarkable. Using mindfulness-based techniques will help you cope with the strong emotions that arise during this process.
4. Be adaptable: If you hold yourself to ridiculously high standards you will be too rigid and unable to adapt when things inevitably don’t go your way! We must move past the idea of what we think is perfection and pivot when necessary. If we remain flexible and open, we can see other alternative, creative options that are available to us.
5. Challenge your thinking: Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you can begin to challenge the belief that you must be “perfect.” Exploring your reasons “why” will help you uncover mistakes in your thinking that are in need of updating.

Learning how to change patterns of behavior can be challenging. Working with a professional San Diego psychologist at Therapy Changes will help you readjust your personal rules and beliefs, focus on the bigger picture, and learn how to be adaptable. Together you and your therapist will set realistic goals, learn how to cope with difficult emotions, and find creative solutions to problems. Contact Us today to learn more about How Therapy Works and What To Expect and to schedule an appointment with a member of our talented team.

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