How To Understand Your Emotional Cues

As a psychologist who treats strong and resilient women, I often hear my clients say that they try their hardest not to cry. They push their feelings away in hopes of avoiding the pain. Emotional repression is a common defense mechanism, especially if you live, or grew up in an environment where little room was given to express emotions. Some cultures and social narratives view negative emotions as wrong, shameful, or a sign of weakness. However, repressing your negative emotions only leads to the accumulation of unaddressed feelings which can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression, as well as physical issues. When you deny yourself the experience of natural, human emotions (especially the negative ones), you cannot relate authentically with others, which may cause relationship strain.

Signs That You Might Be Repressing Your Emotions

• You believe that negative emotions are bad, weak, or embarrassing.
• You think you “should” be able to handle difficult emotions on your own.
• You find yourself overreacting to something small because of built-up emotions.
• You put up a positive front, but you feel like crying or screaming inside.
• You get along well with others on a surface level, but struggle with emotional intimacy and close friendships.

Pain is a natural part of the human experience. The more we try to push it away, the greater the suffering. A new, innovative approach to incorporate emotions into our lives is offered through a form of therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT.) The ACT model teaches us that when we embrace our emotions we can lead a more fulfilling life.

ACT encourages you to accept your feelings as they are and use them as valuable information about your needs and personal values.

How to Feel Your Negative Emotions Without Repressing Them

The tools below will help you be more aware of your feelings and use them to better understand your needs.

1. Increase Awareness by Labeling Your Feelings

Labeling your feelings promotes awareness and acceptance, reduces their intensity, and helps you feel more in control. A feelings wheel features six basic emotions at the center (sad, angry, scared, happy, strong, and calm) and 66 more specific sub-emotions in the outer circles. This visual representation serves as a word bank that helps you better define and validate your feelings. When you label your feelings regularly, you create space for your emotional reactions and validate that your feelings matter.

Once you identify your emotion using the feelings wheel, look at the opposite side of the wheel for the corresponding emotion. This emotion provides insight into what you might need. For example, opposite of ‘powerless’ lies ‘empowered’ and ‘strong.’ Ask yourself, “What makes me feel empowered and strong?” The answer brings you one step closer to taking care of your emotional needs.

2. Fully Feel Your Feelings

The ACT model advocates taking a moment to pause and consciously notice what you are feeling – without judgment. Pay attention to how feelings manifest in your body, whether it’s tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or a lump in your throat. Becoming intimately familiar with your emotional patterns will help you learn more about yourself and develop a practice of self- compassion.

3. Understand What Your Feelings Are Telling You

Our emotions serve as cues to our underlying needs. If you attend to, and listen to your emotions, they will tell you the best methods of coping. For example:

• Loneliness indicates a need for social connection; reach out to a friend or family member to fulfill this need.
• Anger signals that a boundary has been crossed or that something important to you is being threatened. Anger may be telling you to assert yourself or address an injustice.
• Sadness suggests a need for comfort or healing; allow yourself time to grieve a loss and seek support from a friend, family, or therapist.

4. Ask Others to Honor Your Feelings Using Assertive Communication

Once you identify and acknowledge your feelings, communicate them to others using assertive communication. Using “I statements” will help you express your feelings clearly and respectfully without blaming or criticizing others. Having hard conversations will make it more likely that your needs will be met.

Use this simple formula for an “I statement”:

“I feel [emotion] when [situation]. I need [specific need].”

For example:

• “I feel overwhelmed when I have to manage multiple tasks at once. I need us to find a more balanced way to share parenting responsibilities.”
• “I feel hurt when my contributions are not acknowledged. I need verbal recognition to feel valued and appreciated.”

In Conclusion…

You cannot get rid of negative emotions; however, you can learn how to listen to what they are telling you. This entails a process of courageously attending to your emotions without repressing them. In some cultures, and for some individuals, awareness and expression of feelings are stigmatized. If you need help discovering your feelings or are unsure where to start, the professional guidance of a San Diego psychologist at Therapy Changes can help. Working with a member of our talented team who are knowledgeable in ACT and other evidence-based treatments can help you uncover the benefits of making space for your feelings without letting them take over or ignoring them.

The journey of self-discovery and developing new ways of thinking and living isn’t easy. You are not alone. Contact Us today to learn How Therapy Can Help and What to Expect and to schedule an appointment. You have everything to gain. When you embrace your emotions you will reduce stress, improve your relationships, and develop a greater sense of well-being. Call us today to get started.

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