Overcoming Midlife Malaise: Simple Strategies for Renewal

What is my purpose?

How can I make the most of the time I have left?

Is this all there is to life?

If you’ve been pondering these questions, you may be experiencing midlife malaise. While having a “midlife crisis” is often stereotyped by getting a divorce, splurging on an expensive sports car, and pursuing a younger partner, the psychological upheaval that often occurs in middle age is more subtle and existential for most people. A midlife malaise usually involves reevaluating one’s life and decisions, achievements and shortcomings, as well as the future. It can sometimes lead to dissatisfaction and a desire to make changes.

Satisfaction Across the Lifespan

Life satisfaction follows a U-shaped curve across the lifespan. It is generally higher in early adulthood, dips in midlife, and rises again in older age.

• In early adulthood (20’s and 30’s), people set goals for their career, relationships, and future and believe that they have time to achieve them. While some anxiety over defining one’s identity is typical for this period, the presence of opportunities brings excitement, and setbacks are seen as temporary. This optimism is thought to contribute to greater life satisfaction in early adulthood.
• Midlife (late 30’s to 50’s) is often associated with increased responsibility, such as managing careers, raising children, and caring for aging parents. People find themselves reflecting on their unfulfilled ambitions or unmet expectations. Even those who have met their goals may wonder if there is more to life than checking goals off a list. It can be confusing to feel unfulfilled in midlife, especially after working hard and achieving your goals. This disconnect can stem from various factors, such as unmet emotional needs, changing priorities, or the realization that conventional success doesn’t always equate to happiness. As such, midlife is often a time of reflection, change, and sometimes dissatisfaction. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and not uncommon during this stage of life.
• Older adulthood (60’s+) typically coincides with a decrease in responsibility and more time for leisure or self-care. While health issues may present a challenge with getting older, this period also involves coming to terms with aging, mortality, and life achievements, often leading to a sense of peace and contentment after the struggles of midlife. Older adults typically shift their focus from career goals to personal fulfillment and deepening relationships. They also tend to lower their expectations and accept their circumstances more, all of which can lead to greater life satisfaction.

Midlife Malaise

The term “midlife crisis” was first introduced by psychologist Elliott Jaques in 1965 and popularized by Gail Sheehy in her 1976 book, Passages, where she discusses the emotional challenges of the different stages of adult life. Whether we refer to this phenomenon as a midlife crisis or midlife malaise, many of us experience a period of restlessness and reevaluation of our choices around midlife, as we attempt to find our place and purpose in the world. If you’ve been having these thoughts, know that you are not alone. What you are experiencing is valid, and there is a path forward.

Signs of Midlife Malaise

Gaily Sheehy identifies the following as signs of midlife malaise:

1. Restlessness and Discontent: A general sense of unease or dissatisfaction with one’s career, relationships, or lifestyle. You may feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, even if you’ve accomplished your earlier goals.
2. Re-evaluation of Life Choices: A strong desire to reflect on past decisions, such as career paths, relationships, and personal goals. This may lead to questioning whether you’ve made the “right” choices and feelings of regret or doubt about your current life situation.
3. Desire for Change: An urge to make significant changes in various areas of life. This could involve seeking new challenges, switching careers, or starting new hobbies.
4. Fear of Missed Opportunities: You may feel that the goals and dreams you pursued are no longer fulfilling or relevant. The success you achieved may seem hollow, leading to a sense of disillusionment.
5. Emotional Upheaval: Feelings of anxiety, depression, frustration, or a loss of enthusiasm for things that once brought joy. There’s often an emotional struggle as individuals confront the reality that time is finite.
6. Physical Awareness: A growing awareness of physical aging, declining health, or changes in appearance triggering anxiety about mortality and the fleeting nature of youth.
7. Need for New Identity: A desire to redefine oneself or explore different roles and identities. People often look for ways to reinvent themselves, whether through new careers, personal interests, or relationships.

A Path Forward: Strategies for Renewal

Dr. Kieran Setiya, an MIT Philosopher and author of the book “Midlife: A Philosophical Guide”, suggests that incorporating tasks that are existentially valuable and intrinsically motivating can help alleviate midlife malaise. The strategies listed below from Dr. Setiya’s book are compatible with an action-oriented psychotherapy approach that promotes values-aligned behaviors and discourages avoidance.

How to confront Midlife Malaise:

1. Move From Regret to Acceptance: Reconcile with past choices, grieve unresolved loss, and focus on the present and future. Engage in mindfulness and relaxation practices to relieve stress and expand your perspective.
2. Enjoy Present Experiences: Focus less on goal-oriented achievements and more on the experiences along the way. Enjoy the journey rather than being overly consumed with future objectives.
3. Address Issues of Mortality and Aging: Facing the difficult emotions that arise as you confront your existential fears associated with aging and death takes tremendous courage. Being vulnerable in this way can feel unnatural at first, even scary at times. As you begin to radically accept mortality as part of the human condition you will begin to recognize that it is a powerful and authentic way to live.
4. Turn to the Wisdom of Philosophers: Study the philosophical approaches of stoicism, from thinkers such as Epictetus and Seneca, for perspective and ancient wisdom. Working with a private practice therapist can help provide valuable perspective and insight to deepen your understanding and insight into your experiences.
5. Seek Fulfillment Beyond Success: Appreciate midlife as an opportunity to shift focus from individual success and future accomplishments to activities that are intrinsically rewarding in the present, like meaningful relationships, hobbies, and simple pleasures. Engaging in activities that are inherently satisfying and not just a means to an end will prove to be more valuable and rewarding.

The discontent and restlessness felt around midlife are valid and normal experiences, and these feelings can serve as a catalyst for personal growth. Prioritize your health with regular exercise, eating a well-balanced diet that supports mental health, making meaningful connections, and getting a good night’s sleep. Speaking with a San Diego psychologist about your reflections and your experience will help you process your emotions, gain clarity, and develop a path forward.

If you are experiencing midlife malaise, this is an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. You and your therapist will work together to revitalize your life by helping you to connect to your core values and bring a renewed sense of meaning and purpose to your life. Contact Us to learn more about how therapy works and what to expect and get started today.

Photo by Rana Sawalha on Unsplash