Balancing Motherhood This Holiday Season

The holidays are a time when traditions, family gatherings, and festivities take center stage, and for many mothers, this means taking on the responsibility of organizing the celebrations. The role of the mother as the “heart” of holiday traditions is deeply ingrained in many societies, particularly in cultures where familial ties and communal gatherings are central to the holiday experience. This expectation, however, can come with significant stress, as mothers may feel a heightened sense of responsibility for ensuring that the holidays are “perfect” for their families. In this blog article, we will explore some common experiences that mothers encounter during the holiday season, and learn to use the STOP technique, a skill developed in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) by Marsha Linehan.

Find Balance

Among the excitement and cheer surrounding the holiday season is often a complex blend of joy, responsibility, and occasional stress, especially for the primary caregiver. Mothers often take on the role of creating or maintaining holiday traditions. Whether it’s decorating the house, preparing special meals, or planning family activities, mothers tend to ensure that the holidays feel magical for their families. While this can be incredibly fulfilling, it can also lead to increased pressure to live up to an idealized image of familiar happiness. As societal attitudes shift toward a more inclusive and balanced approach to holiday responsibilities, the role of the mother may become more collaborative in nature.

Below are suggestions to help encourage a more supportive, shared approach to celebrating the holidays:

1. Balance Expectations

The holidays come with a range of expectations from family members, including children, partners, extended family, and even from oneself. It can feel overwhelming trying to meet everyone’s desires, whether it’s finding the perfect gift to keep the holiday spirit alive amidst the chaos of daily life, creating décor to match the holiday or taking a perfect family portrait. If you find yourself getting caught up in the stress of trying to please everyone, it might be helpful to re-evaluate your expectations. Take a step back and consider what truly matters and recognize that it’s okay to adjust or even let go of some expectations to create a more balanced, fulfilling experience for everyone.

2. Manage Family Dynamics

Family gatherings during the holidays can be both a joy and a challenge! Mothers often find themselves assuming the role of mediator, ensuring that communication is smooth, relationships are harmonious and that everyone enjoys their time together. Navigating these dynamics, especially with difficult family members or extended family, often requires patience and diplomacy. In addition, the holidays are also a time when the loss of a loved one is felt more intensely. As mothers, it’s just as important to be aware of your own emotions as it is to take care of everyone else’s, especially during the holidays. By checking in with yourself, acknowledging your feelings, and setting boundaries when needed, you will be able to show up more fully for your family and set a positive example for others.

3. Self-Care and Preventing Burnout

Amidst the holiday preparations, it is easy for mothers to forget about their own needs and prioritize others’ needs and expectations. Ultimately, the holiday season is about connection, and that includes connecting with yourself as much as it does with those around you. So, check in with yourself about the quality of interactions with others. For example, do you feel more overwhelmed and irritable than usual? Or are you snapping or acting out in frustration? If so, is it possible that the pressures to create a perfect holiday are leading to burnout? It can be a real challenge for mothers to find ways to carve out time for themselves. Strategies can include planning to share the responsibility in advance with your partner, alter your expectation of “how things should be,” schedule some much-needed time to relax, or let go of the need for everything to be flawless. Finding balance takes practice, but it’s the key to preventing burnout and enjoying the holidays. Like any new skill, it requires trial and error, reflection, and a willingness to adjust along the way.

Manage Stress Using STOP

Use the STOP skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to pace yourself, find perspective, and choose how to respond in difficult moments. Here’s how you can apply each step of the STOP skill to holiday situations:

Stop: When you feel overwhelmed, tired, exhausted or if your emotions seem to control you, stop right away. Visualize a stop sign and freeze. Freezing in the moment can prevent you from acting on your emotions without much thought. Once you freeze, identify and label your emotion by asking yourself, “How am I feeling in this moment?”

Take a step back:
When you encounter a difficult situation, for example, your food is not ready on time prior to when your guests arrive or you are running behind schedule, it may be a hard problem to solve due to the high intensity of your emotions. At this time, give yourself the opportunity to take a break, and to take some time to slow down. You could drink a glass of water, step outside for a few minutes to get some sunshine, splash some water on your face or take a few deep breaths.

Observe: Take notice of what is going on around you, both from within and on the outside. You may ask yourself “What am I thinking?” How am I feeling about it?” If helpful, write down your automatic thoughts (i.e., thoughts that occur without much intention) and listen to them as they occur. You may also ask yourself “What are others doing around me?” Or “What role are others playing in this situation?” It will be helpful to remind yourself that these automatic thoughts emerge from defaulted ways of thinking and may not be accurate and serve a purpose in this moment.

Proceed: After observing your thoughts and emotions, proceed with mindful intention! You may ask yourself, “What do I need in this moment?”, “What do I want from this situation?”, “What are my goals now?”, or “What choice might make my situation better or worse?” For example, if preparing a meal feels overwhelming, re-evaluate food items that can be ordered.

Once you identify your goals and understand the impact of your choices, you will be better prepared to handle difficult situations. Remember, both your brain and your body need to slow down and take the time to think things through.

This holiday season, focus on the joy in the process and the preparation rather than on the outcome. While the attention is often paid to make the holidays special for others, remember to also acknowledge your emotions. Lastly, the holidays can also be a time for reflection and gratitude. Make it a point to slow down and take a moment to appreciate what matters most to you as a mother. I hope that the STOP technique will help you enter the holiday season with greater intention, emotional awareness and less stress. If you need additional support during this time of year, the professional San Diego Psychologists at Therapy Changes are available to help and guide you through the difficult times. Contact us to meet with a member of our talented team and start your therapy journey today.

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