Rethinking the Quest for the Perfect Conversation

Imagine gliding effortlessly through an anxiety-free conversation where you can clearly and calmly focus on what others are saying and be ready with a perfectly timed funny/empathetic/intelligent response. You feel confident! You look amazing! Sounds great, right…but is it possible?

While you might imagine this kind of ideal conversation and think of it as “normal,” it’s far from the norm. Over the years, I’ve heard so many people beat themselves up for not performing up to this impossible standard. I’m not sure how we got here, but I do know that interactions in the real world are far from perfect; not even close. It’s not fair to compare your real-life conversations to scripted or edited content. Breaking Free of the Comparison Trap isn’t easy, but fortunately there are ways to approach comparison in a healthier way.

The next time you find yourself harshly criticizing your social performance, here are some key points to consider:

1. Normal conversations are often marked by pauses.

Pauses do not have to be interpreted as “awkward.” Pauses are natural breaks in the conversation and allow a natural ebb and flow of dialogue. They allow people time to process information, reflect, shift between speakers, shift topics, etc. When you encounter pauses, there is no need to panic. Try softly smiling and breathe in, breathe out. Use relaxing imagery to visualize ocean waves as the tide flows in and out. Kindly remind yourself, “pauses are normal.”

2. In real-life interactions, people may struggle to articulate their thoughts clearly or may not always respond in the ideal manner.

Sometimes we mix up words, mispronounce words, or combine words together into nonsense words. It’s natural and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Well, okay, sometimes it might be more embarrassing depending on what we say, but it’s certainly not a character flaw, and something that everyone encounters in their lifetime. Think of it as just extra silly sometimes, and an opportunity to laugh together. I once worked in a psycholinguistics research lab, and we lived for these slips of the tongue because they provided a window into how our brains processed information. Our brains are impressive, and they can do many things so quickly that sometimes we get ahead of ourselves. My kids still laugh about the night I was so dead tired that I read “high up in a squirrel, a tree was taking a nap.” My kids aside, most people are not going to remember your momentary mix ups. 😉

Sometimes we have difficulty finding the word we want. This can be further complicated by something called “interference.” For example, you are trying to think of the name Clarissa, but you keep thinking Melissa, but you know it’s not Melissa, yet you can’t get past Melissa, and now it’s leading you to Marissa. “Melissa” was interfering with “Clarissa.” Again, it’s nothing to be embarrassed by, it’s just our brain busily making connections…just not the connection we wanted in that moment. Cut your brain some slack, see how hard it’s working for you?

3. Missed behaviors in social interactions reflect the complexities of human interaction.

Sometimes we might leave a high five hanging, hug when the other person was trying to shake hands, or not realize that someone was waving/saying ‘hi’ to us until it was too late to respond. Though these experiences feel awkward in the moment, they are perfectly human and it’s moments like these that can actually help us feel more connected to each other. We’ve all been there at one time or another, on both sides of the scenarios. Practice seeing the humor in it and then let it go…unless it makes for a good story, then remember it and tell it to friends to help them feel better about their own slip ups. There’s a reason that “your most embarrassing moment” stories make good “getting to know you” ice breakers!

In conclusion…

Normal conversations are rarely perfect, often marked by misunderstandings, interruptions, and emotional fluctuations. In real-life interactions, people may struggle to articulate their thoughts clearly or may not always respond in the ideal manner. These imperfections are a natural part of communication and reflect the complexities of human interactions.

Natural, normal conversations are perfectly imperfect and that’s okay.

Conversations are not an Olympic sport to be analyzed and graded in a quest for a perfect score. There is no perfect score, and there is no Olympian in history who has a perfect record. In fact, trying too hard to avoid the experiences listed above can be anxiety provoking, distracting, and make it difficult for you to be present and attentive. Rather than striving for flawless exchanges, it’s more practical to focus on understanding, empathy, and effective listening. Embracing these imperfections can lead to more genuine and meaningful connections between people.

If you struggle with How to Get “Unstuck” from Anxiety, struggle in social situations, are overly critical of yourself, or have a hard time connecting with others, a San Diego psychologist at Therapy Changes can help. You and your therapist will work together to develop a plan and learn skills to help you feel more comfortable in your interactions and confident within yourself.

Taking the first step can be hard, but when you enjoy The Benefits of Working with a Private Practice Therapist you will be surely glad that you did. Contact Us now to learn more about How Therapy Works and What to Expect and to schedule an appointment with a talented member of our team.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash