Coping With Perfectionism Using RAIN

As a psychologist, I’ve talked with many clients who are trapped in an endless cycle of not feeling “good enough” because they set excessively high standards for themselves. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with striving for excellence, the tendency to aim for flawlessness negatively impacts a person’s life. This tendency is referred to as perfectionism. With the emergence of social media, there is an emphasis on having a life that is “picture perfect,” and if anything deviates from this image, it can evoke distressing emotions. I believe that human beings value feeling accomplished and are achievement oriented; however, it becomes overwhelming when we set excessively high standards for ourselves and others.

Perfectionism impacts every aspect of our lives, including our work and education, how we parent, how we relate to our partners, and our sense of self-worth. For example, a student may perceive that anything less than an A is a failure, and they might see themselves as a failure. Perfectionism can hold us back from accomplishing our goals. For example, you might feel paralyzed to make a decision because you fear you’ll make the wrong one. Or you might not take a step forward because you’ve convinced yourself that you aren’t ready.

The Perfectionism Paradox

If you are hard on yourself, have a difficult time completing tasks, and struggle to find peace in your life, you might be a perfectionist. Not all perfectionism is created equal. There is adaptive, or helpful perfectionism, and then there’s the toxic kind. Early theorists (Hamachek, 1978, Hollender, 1965) described adaptive perfectionism as striving for excellence while accepting that things will never be perfect. Maladaptive perfectionism, on the other hand, is striving for perfection, and accepting nothing less. With maladaptive perfectionism, you can imagine that little can be accomplished if you are waiting for the elusive vision of what we think is “perfect.”

We will be relentless in our pursuit for perfection, knowing all the while we can never attain it. But along the way, we shall catch excellence! ~ Vince Lombardi.

Coping With Perfectionism Using the RAIN Technique

Perfectionistic tendencies can be pervasive, impacting all areas of our life, from our productivity, interpersonal relationships, and self-worth. The good news is there are strategies that we can use to cope with perfectionism and mitigate its negative effects. The RAIN technique, developed by Tara Brach, Ph.D., is a mindfulness-based approach and can be used to help break the chains of perfectionism. Mindfulness is a practice of brining one’s attention and focus to the present moment as a strategy to cope with uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. Using the RAIN technique can help you reduce emotional reactivity, provide insight into how you are feeling, increase awareness of the self, and enhance self-compassion. The goal of mindfulness and RAIN is to move from an emotionally reactive state to an emotionally responsiveness state. This technique can be used to cope with a multitude of different challenges in your life, such as when you find yourself “over thinking” something, presenting a project at work, procrastinating, or when you are being highly critical towards your partner.

Follow the steps below to reduce emotional reactivity:

Recognize

Recognize your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations in the moment. Label and name your feelings aloud or silently to yourself.

Allow

Observe your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. Allow them to simply exist, without judgement. Imagine that you are watching a movie and give them permission to come and go. Say to yourself: “It is okay to feel however I am feeling right now,” and “This is how it is for me right now.” Remember, acceptance doesn’t mean approval or agreement. It is simply a statement of how things are at this moment.

Investigate

Investigate with curiosity about the words that are going through your mind. Some questions that you may ask yourself include, “What emotions am I feeling? Where am I feeling them and how are these feelings experienced in my body?” Reflect and sense the most vulnerable part of yourself and check in with gentle curiosity as to what you need in that moment.

For example, if you are over thinking and have difficulty making a decision, you may need to practice acceptance. If you’re the type of person who is supportive and encouraging with your friends and family, offer the same type of support and understanding for yourself. Treat yourself as if you were a friend. What would you say to a friend? How would you feel for them? Now, offer this to yourself. Remember that mistakes are part of life, and you will be okay even if the path you’ve chosen is challenging. In addition to practicing acceptance, other needs may include practicing forgiveness, letting go of control, giving yourself reassurance of love or a sense of belonging.

Nurture

While working through perfectionism, remind yourself to be gentle and kind towards your experience. Write down a message to yourself such as “You are okay,” “It is okay not to know everything,” and “I appreciate you.” This is the time to invite self-compassion until you begin to feel calm and centered.

In addition to the RAIN technique described here, it will be helpful to explore other internal factors that influence your perfectionistic tendencies. Your San Diego psychologist at Therapy Changes can provide guidance and coping strategies to help you explore your early childhood experiences that influenced your self-worth, identify blocks to acceptance, uncover your fears of failing and/or rejection, and learn more about your relationship to societal expectations and pressures. Understanding the inter-play of these factors that contribute to your experience of perfectionism can help you develop increased self-awareness and adopt healthier approaches to goal setting, achievement and experiencing a sense of accomplishment.

If you, or someone you know struggles with perfectionism, our talented team of dedicated professionals will provide compassionate and expert guidance to help you develop strategies to cope. Contact us today and take the first step to improve your emotional well-being and enhance your self-confidence.

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