Faulty Connections: How Constant Communication is Ruining Dating

By: Kamaljit "Sonya" Virdi, Ph.D. | August 18, 2023

Most people today connect with romantic interests virtually, in one form or another. We are more connected now than we ever have been with text messages, phone calls, videocalls, social media apps (Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat) and the ability to share our location. In therapy, I frequently hear people say, we text all day, so I know that they care about me, but it’s not as serious as I’d like it to be. Labels like talking, a situationship, or it’s complicated are often used to understand these undefined relationships. This article addresses the common pitfalls of too much contact too soon while dating.

More contact doesn’t necessarily mean more interest like it once did. In a time of constant communication, we are more confused than ever about our romantic connections.

Early Self-Disclosure 

Frequent contact feels good, especially when you like someone, but too much contact is unhealthy. Frequent contact early in the dating process can cause people to self-disclose prematurely before a foundation for a relationship is built. This can create a sense of connection which is risky when trust hasn’t yet been established. It can also feel uncomfortable if the other person doesn’t match the level of disclosure. Avoid daily, all day marathon-type of communication early on. Consider instead thinking about why you need so much contact.

Ask yourself: Do you worry that the other person will lose interest? Is this the only way you know how to demonstrate interest?

Lack of Boundaries

Contact during work hours or late at night can set a precedent that each party is always accessible to each other. This can leave one or both people feeling burnt out. What gets challenging is when we reduce the level of contact, it can feel uncomfortable or unnatural. In other words, it’s hard to tell someone, I like you, but I want less contact with you. If you are told by someone that they want to slow down their contact, resist the urge to frequently check your phone to see if they texted or check their social media. Instead, take time to reflect on your boundaries.

Ask yourself: When do you prefer to disconnect from technology for the evening? What feels like too much or not enough contact for you, and why?

In-Person Disconnection 

If all the connection happens online, it may not translate to an in-person connection. This can feel disappointing or leave one person feeling rejected. To avoid this issue, meet in a public space early in dating to help you figure out if you have a genuine in-person connection.

Ask yourself: What are the challenges that you encounter when meeting someone in person? How can you overcome these obstacles?

Other Enjoyable Tasks

Constant contact with one person can take away from your other responsibilities and healthy or fun activities. If your apartment is messy, you haven’t seen any of your friends lately or you are behind at work due to frequent contact, then slow down and reassess. Be mindful about losing yourself in a relationship.

A healthy relationship is one in which there is a balance of togetherness and separateness.

Ask yourself: What activities do I enjoy or make me feel good that I have neglected lately? Is too much contact in dating interfering with a healthy life balance?

The quality of a connection is as important, if not more important, as the frequency of contact. If you tend to get too close too soon and struggle in romantic relationships, therapy may help you learn more about healthy relationships, interpersonal boundaries, and your attachment style.

Contact Us today to learn more about professional therapy services at Therapy Changes, and to schedule an appointment with a talented member of our team. Therapy is an important investment that you make in yourself, and for your current, or future relationships.



Photo by john amachaab on Unsplash

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