Insights for Healthier Relationships

We all know that relationships matter, but what makes them so important? Relationships are essential to our survival as humans. Deeply rooted in our evolutionary history, they offer safety, shared resources and cooperative parenting, thus enhancing our chances of making it through challenging times. In today’s world, relationships continue to play a crucial role in our emotional and physical wellbeing. Strong relationships offer us the opportunity to feel connected and foster a sense of belonging, which can reduce stress and anxiety, promote resilience, and encourage healthy behaviors. When our relationships are healthy, we thrive. On the other hand, when our relationships are distressed, they can significantly complicate our lives. This article will help you to improve your relationships by recognizing your patterns of connection, known as attachment styles.

What is an Attachment Style?

Attachment is formed in early childhood and is influenced by the emotional bonds we make with close others, such as our caregivers. Adult attachment designates two main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships: Secure and Insecure. The insecure attachment style is broken up into three categories: Anxious, Avoidant, and disorganized. Securely attached people typically feel comfortable with intimacy; anxiously attached people tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; and avoidantly attached people associate intimacy with a loss of independence. A substantial body of scientific research has been conducted on adult attachment, demonstrating the presence of these attachment styles across many different cultures.

Anxious Attachment Style in Adulthood

When caregivers fluctuate between intrusive parenting, (e.g., lack of respect for boundaries) and emotional distance, it can lead to the formation of anxious attachment. Since the basic emotional needs of a child aren’t met, this may lead them to believe that love and support from others is unreliable. Later in life, in romantic relationships, individuals with anxious attachment styles will crave closeness and reassurance, while fearing rejection and abandonment. They will often compensate by hyper-attuning to their partner’s moods and behaviors, often interpreting neutral or ambiguous signs of distress in the relationship. This can lead to behaviors such as excessive texting, seeking constant validation or reassurance, or a frequent need to hear “I love you” from their partner. Their strong desire for closeness may push their partners away, creating a paradox where the actions intended to foster a secure connection inadvertently cause tension in the relationship.

If you often excessively worry about your relationship and fear that your partner will leave you, find it difficult to relax completely around them, believe that your partner is unavailable or emotionally distant, or frequently seek validation and reassurance to feel secure, you display patterns consistent with anxious attachment style. If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone – approximately 22% of the population shares this attachment style.

Signs of an Anxious Attachment Style

• Desire more closeness
• Fear abandonment
• Consistent need for reassurance
• Feel highly sensitive to misunderstandings
• Worry excessively about the stability of your relationship
• Jump to conclusions or engage in “mind-reading”
• Overanalyze the reactions of others
• Overread people’s text messages
• Avoid conflict
• Prioritize the needs of others at your expense (e.g., people pleasing, caregiving)

How to Change Your Attachment Style

Attachment styles are not permanent, and they can change over time. Through relationships with securely attached individuals, and by recognizing and understanding the way you perceive and respond to intimacy, you can become more secure in your attachment style. By seeking professional therapy services, you can improve your attachment style by developing coping strategies to foster more secure, fulfilling relationships and take steps to improve overall emotional wellbeing.

Techniques to Manage an Anxious Attachment Style

Below are tips to help improve your attachment style:

1. Self-Soothing Techniques: Once you’ve identified moments that provoke heightened anxiety in your relationship, practice self-soothing techniques to help lower your reactivity to those situations. For example, consider taking 3 deep abdominal breaths, tuning into your 5 senses or going for a walk.
2. Communicate Openly with Your Partner: Use effective communication tools to share your feelings, experiences, and needs with your partner or trusted confidant to create openness and improve intimacy.
3. Seek Psychotherapy: Work with a private practice therapist who can help you identify and improve your relationship patterns. Working with a professional San Diego psychologist will help you develop insight, effective interpersonal skills and help improve your confidence.

Contact Us today to learn more about therapy and schedule an appointment with a talented member of our team. You don’t have to go at it alone; we are here for you.

Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash