How To Feel at Peace With Your Decision

During a recent chat with a Swiftie about the wisdom in Taylor Swift’s song, “It’s Time To Go,” I started thinking about what it’s like to leave something that no longer serves you. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, a job, or something else, I find this type of decision point so relatable. It can be a painful place: the place before a decision is made and growth can occur. We can easily get stuck there, spiraling in our heads, paralyzed by fear. In my own life and in my work with clients over the years, I’ve learned that leaving is hard, but necessary. When this is the case, learning how to let go in a healthy way will help you grow from the experience and feel more at peace with your decision.

Why Leaving Is So Hard

It’s important to preface this section with a basic understanding that change is difficult, even when the change is a positive one. There’s nothing simple about letting go of someone or something that no longer serves you. At our deepest core, we really care about the people involved. We don’t want to hurt them, let them down, or disappoint them. We can easily convince ourselves that it’s “not that bad” and find excuses to stay, all the while making sacrifices and suffering consequences.

The decision to leave is inherently difficult because we must face uncertainty. As humans, we prefer the familiar over the unknown. Fear can take over with thoughts like “I can’t do this” and “It’s too hard.” It’s natural to want to hold ourselves back because of doubt and fear of making a mistake.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage and inner perseverance to leave things that aren’t working.

Lastly, we tend to stay in situations that don’t serve us because we are afraid of grieving. Letting go and moving on requires us to confront the loss and feel the pain associated with that loss. There’s no getting around grief; we must be willing to move through it. Slowly, however, our grief transforms into a new and beautiful beginning.

Tips for Letting Go

If you’re in the process of leaving something that no longer serves you, here are some tips to help you feel more at peace with your decision:

1. Recognize the Importance of Flexibility

“Never quit” is a phrase that fits nicely on an inspirational water bottle, but the reality is much more complex. This type of all-or-nothing thinking tricks us into believing that we are locked into our decisions for life. A more accurate phrase goes something like: “Try hard and persist through reasonable challenges, but also take your values, time, resources, and strengths into account, making adjustments as needed.” It doesn’t fit well on a water bottle, does it?

So called “quitting” doesn’t have to be the end of the story; it can be another chapter. Adaptation is the opposite of weakness; it is literally how living things survive. There are examples all around us in nature. A tree that cannot bend will break in the wind. A plant that cannot move toward the light may remain in darkness and not grow. As people, we can find ourselves in similar situations. A college student who, despite their best efforts, cannot pass organic chemistry and refuses to change majors, may miss out on another way to pursue their career interests.

Try this thought instead: “It’s smart and strong to be flexible.”

2. Be Creative

The age-old adage, “practice makes perfect” is misleading because practice alone doesn’t necessarily lead to success. Practice can often be helpful, but there are also limits. I could, for example, practice playing football every day for the rest of my life, and I am certain that I would not become a mediocre, much less an amazing football player. Even if we are talking about a skill that you can perform well, no one is perfect all the time – even Olympic gold medalists. If you are stuck trying to make something work when it clearly isn’t, take a step back and ask yourself: “What do I really want?” and “What is it about this that is appealing to me?” In the football example, it could be the camaraderie, the movement, or the game itself. Once we clarify what’s most important, we can more effectively direct our energy.

Try this thought instead: “Practice can often be helpful.”

3. Make Room for Change

There are many reasons it can be challenging to hold space for change. You may fear judgement from others because you already told people that you are going to be a doctor, marry this person, stay in this job…or, similar versions, like “I told myself I would…” or “Everyone expects…”

Feeling shame is very unpleasant, but it is temporary. Shame is an internal warning alarm when our behaviors do not align with our morals and values. The tricky part is that this warning system is not perfectly reliable. Sometimes there are false alarms. As such, it’s important to keep the context in mind when determining how to respond to feelings of shame or embarrassment. For example, if stealing from someone is against your values, you will interpret shame as a warning sign and change your behavior. On the other hand, if you feel shame after you cancel a wedding which results in losing some money and inconveniencing people, you might decide that it is a false alarm, and proceed with your values-consistent behavior.

Try this thought instead: “I am the one who has to live my life and I am allowed to change plans.”

4. Be Aware of the “Gamblers Ruin”

The reasoning “I’ve already invested so much time, money, energy…” keeps us stuck in unhealthy situations with the incorrect belief that things should get better. The fear of investment loss, referred to as the “gamblers ruin” keeps us entrenched in the same behavioral patterns, which leads to more loss. Consider the person who has gambled away a significant amount of money. It could be tempting for them to think “I already invested this much time and money; I have to keep playing to at least recover my investment.” This misbelief is an endless trap. The truth is when we invest time, money, or energy into something unhealthy, we not only perpetuate the problem, but we are also not investing in another option. Ask yourself: “How far am I willing to go before the cost is too great?” Your answer may vary at different points in your life. For example, you might be willing to work on a romantic relationship longer before deciding to break up when you are younger. If you are getting closer to possibly wanting to have children, you might choose to shorten that timeframe. To make these decisions, consider your personal values, goals, and the context of the situation help inform what will work for you.

Try this thought instead: “A smart investor will pivot as needed.”

As I’ve mentioned throughout this article, letting go of situations that no longer serve you is very challenging. If your first response to having a difficult time with the decision to leave or stay is to criticize yourself, it may be time to seek support from a professional San Diego psychologist. Your therapist will teach you how to show yourself some kindness and compassion and feel more at peace with your decision. It can be easy to feel alone and overwhelmed when facing difficult life changes and transitions. Working with an action-oriented psychologist will help you get unstuck from unhelpful thought patterns, clarify your values, and take meaningful steps toward your goals. Until then, remember, it’s smart and strong to be flexible!

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Photo by Yuvraj Singh on Unsplash