Navigating Parenthood: Supporting a Neurodivergent Child with Rejection Sensitivity
By: Kristen Lipari, Ph.D. | January 31, 2025
In my work with parents of young children with confirmed or suspected neurodivergence, I often observe them navigate between celebrating their child’s gifts and managing their challenges. If you’re a parent of a neurodivergent child, the one-size-fits-all parenting strategies that are all too common on Instagram may work for other kids, but they might not be as effective for you. If you feel isolated and embarrassed when your child cannot control their emotions or are heartbroken by the challenges they face with their feelings, you’re not alone.
Does Your Child Have an Outsized Reaction When Things Don’t Go Their Way?
All kids get upset when their ideas don’t go as planned. But if this happens regularly, and your child has an outsized reaction to even small transitions and disappointments, there could be an explanation that you haven’t yet considered.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) describes the extreme emotional pain and sensitivity that is triggered by the perception (either real or imagined) of rejection, criticism, or failure. RSD is often associated with neurodevelopmental disorders, particularly Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). It can also co-occur with anxiety disorders, depression, and mood disorders. Children with RSD are incredibly attuned to the reactions of others, often interpreting neutral or even positive feedback as negative. This heightened sensitivity can lead to intense emotional responses, such as anger, sadness, or anxiety.
How Does RSD Present in Daily Life?
Children with RSD are more prone to shame, may tantrum well beyond toddlerhood and feel distraught over small disappointments. Here are some ways this could appear:
- Sudden, intense rage episodes or tantrums due to hurt feelings
- Jumping to the conclusion they are “in trouble” when they receive constructive feedback
- Striving for perfection in tasks to avoid negative feedback, then blowing up when their work falls short of perfect
- Avoidance of task initiation to avoid unpleasant feelings of potential failure
- Accommodating others’ needs or “people pleasing” to avoid criticism
RSD may also be present in less obvious ways. For instance, a child may struggle with being told they must move from one activity to another. If a child with RSD is told that playtime is over and it’s time to start homework, they might react with extreme distress, seeing this transition as a form of rejection. Adjusting to changes in their routine might also trigger strong reactions; the new routine is perceived as getting in the way of the old one that was working just fine, leading to intense disappointment and frustration. Another example could be in school where a simple, well-intentioned comment from a teacher, such as “I know you can do better with your handwriting,” might be perceived as a harsh criticism. Similarly, losing a board game could result in tears and feeling dejected.
How Do I Parent a Child With RSD?
Effectively parenting a child with RSD involves empathizing with their experience and requires an incredible amount of patience. To support your child’s emotional well-being and stay grounded as a parent, it may help to empathize with the profound sense of failure that your child may feel when things don’t go their way. Utilize child therapy resources, including parenting guides to learn how to help your child process emotion and better manage transitions and change.
So, how can I effectively respond to a child who perceives redirection or feedback as criticism?
1. Be Realistic About Limitations
If your child struggles with transitions, a weekend schedule that involves breakfast plans, soccer practice, a birthday party, and a family get together will feel overwhelming for a child with RSD. Hey, that sounds exhausting to most people! And when they can’t keep up with it all, they’ll feel like they are failing themselves or lash out in anger toward you.
2. Build Resilience
Avoid harsh criticism, and instead build resilience by positively reinforcing what they did well. If you see your child struggling, help them reframe negative thoughts with more balanced thinking (e.g. “I know it’s hard to stick with it when you feel discouraged, but I thought you were an awesome teammate at soccer today.”) Teach them developmentally appropriate coping strategies, such as deep breathing or taking a moment before reacting, to get through these difficult moments.
3. Validate Their Feelings
It’s crucial to acknowledge your child’s emotions without judgment. Simple phrases like, “I see that you’re really upset,” can help them feel understood. Avoid minimizing their feelings by saying things like, “I don’t know what happened to make you so upset,” as this will only heighten their sense of rejection.
4. Join With Them
Do your best to join them in their experience. If they’re upset about a change in plans, for instance, try to make them feel less alone by saying: “I know it’s disappointing when plans change. I sometimes feel frustrated when that happens, too.” Model appropriate ways of expressing feelings by narrating your feelings out loud to help them follow suit.
5. Give Them Space to Process
Most of us want to rescue our children when they become dysregulated. However, with RSD, there’s often little you can do to speed up their recovery. Normalize that it’s okay to take time to calm down. Be aware that your child may not be able to process what happened until after they calm down. In the interim, affirm that you see them and you are here when they are ready to engage.
6. Offer Constructive Feedback Carefully
When providing feedback, frame it positively. Instead of saying, “This isn’t right,” try, “I noticed you did this part really well and I love your effort here! Let’s make that section even stronger!” This approach reduces the perception of criticism and emphasizes collaboration.
7. Set Reasonable and Compassionate Expectations
Ask your child to share about what’s standing in the way of them completing a task, so you can partner with them to find a solution rather than add to the pressure they already feel. For instance, a child with ADHD may not be able to complete their entire school assignment in one sitting and feel discouraged when faced with traditional deadlines. Validate their feelings while setting clear expectations: Say something such as: “I understand that you’re overwhelmed about finishing your assignment. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s take a break then discuss which part of the assignment we could finish tonight and which parts we should leave until tomorrow.”
What if I Need More Support?
As a psychologist, I’ve seen how RSD can affect not just the child, but the entire family dynamic. Parenting a child with RSD requires patience, empathy, and a deep understanding of their emotional world. It’s not an easy feat! It’s crucial that as parents you feel supported so you can be most effective in helping your child.
If you are having difficulty navigating parenting a child with neurodivergence or a child who you may suspect is highly sensitive, working with a San Diego Psychologist who truly understands these dynamics can be an invaluable support. Putting words into this experience in therapy will help you feel less alone and validated. Your therapist will help you determine the right parenting strategies for your child and avoid the frustrations of strategies that are not a good fit for them.
Expressing both your joy and frustration in parenthood will help you provide your child with the empathy and compassion they need to navigate these big feelings. Contact Us today to learn more about How Therapy Works and What to Expect and schedule an appointment with a talented member of our team.
