Making Peace with Change in Motherhood

Motherhood has a way of rearranging everything: your priorities, your time, even your sense of identity. You may look at yourself and feel like you’ve lost touch with your hobbies and interests. With the constant demands in parenthood, it can be hard to finish a thought, let alone make time for yourself. Realizing how much has shifted may bring feelings of grief and loss for the life you once knew. But here’s the good news: your old life isn’t over; it’s evolving.

Motherhood doesn’t erase who you are. It invites you to grow into a fuller, more integrated version of yourself. The goal isn’t to “get back” to who you were before, but to gently weave your values, interests, and sense of self into the life you are living now.

Why Reconnection Matters

Losing touch with your identity can take its toll, leaving you feeling resentful and irritable, even when you deeply love your child. From a psychological perspective, neglecting your needs often leads to emotional depletion over time. Motherhood is deeply meaningful, but it is also demanding, and without space to replenish yourself, burnout and emptiness can begin to take hold. After all, both joy and grief can coexist in motherhood.

Research in perinatal mental health and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) illustrates the importance of aligning your actions with your core values. When your choices reflect what truly matters to you, well-being improves and symptoms of anxiety and depression decrease. When you reconnect with meaningful aspects of your identity such as activities that involve creativity, curiosity, and connection, you strengthen the foundation that allows you to show up more calmly and fully for yourself and your family.

Reconnecting with your identity does not require a dramatic overhaul of your life. It begins with small, intentional steps that honor your values and reflect who you are beneath the roles and responsibilities of motherhood. The following steps are designed to help you gently reconnect with yourself in a way that feels realistic, compassionate, and sustainable.

STEP 1: Revisit What You Value

Consider these reflection questions:

1. What activities once made me feel alive or grounded?
2. When I feel most fulfilled, which values (e.g., openness, honesty, trust, gratitude, etc.) am I honoring?
3. How might I honor one of those values now, even in a small way?

In motherhood, we’re often driven by guilt or competing demands. In ACT, values-based living refers to the practice of choosing behaviors that reflect who you are and what matters to you, rather than what you feel you “should” do. When setting values-aligned goals, it’s important to be realistic and compassionate with yourself. You may not be able to travel or paint for hours like the way you once did, but you can take a weekend walk in nature, join a weekly pottery class, or listen to that artist you loved before becoming a parent. Even small, intentional acts that align with your values can reawaken a sense of identity and vitality.

STEP 2: Start Small – But Start

You don’t need to overhaul your entire schedule to feel like yourself again. Often, one intentional change can shift your mindset and help you feel connected to yourself. In my years of working with parents who are in the perinatal period, I’ve seen meaningful progress come from simple, realistic practices such as these:

• Solo time: Aim to carve out time for yourself at least once a week to recharge. For example, read in a café, take a yoga class, or spend an hour at the beach (which can feel like an insurmountable hurdle with kids in tow!).
• Connection with others: Share a meal or a meaningful conversation with a friend who helps you feel grounded and like yourself again.
• Rekindle curiosity: Take an in-person class that gets you out of the house. You might explore something new, like painting or wine tasting, or revisit a childhood interest, such as dance.
• Restorative practices: Spend 15 quiet minutes meditating, sitting in the sun, or preparing a nourishing meal for yourself.

STEP 3: Reframe the Guilt

It’s completely natural to feel guilty for wanting time to yourself during motherhood. But needing space does not mean you’re neglecting your child, it means you’re human. Cognitive restructuring, a core CBT technique, can help you reframe the unhelpful thoughts that fuel guilt and self-criticism. Try gently reframing your inner dialogue in the following ways:

• Instead of “I’m being selfish,” try: “I’m modeling healthy boundaries and balance.”
• Instead of “I should be home,” try “Taking care of myself helps me show up better at home.”

STEP 4: Make Space for Acceptance

ACT teaches that resisting change often intensifies suffering. Acceptance doesn’t mean complacency or giving up; it means making peace with what is, so you can move toward what truly matters. Rather than judging yourself for missing your “old life,” try practicing acceptance in the following ways:

• Name what feels hard without self-blame. (“This phase is demanding, and I’m adjusting.”)
• Acknowledge what is meaningful. (“Even in the chaos, I’m growing in patience and love.”)
• Notice the present moment, small joys like your child’s laughter or a quiet sip of coffee can anchor you in a sense of calm.

Evolving Forward

Your old life isn’t a chapter to close; it’s a foundation to build on. The interests, values, and dreams that shaped you before motherhood still matter. It’s up to you to bring them forward in ways that fit this new season.

You don’t need to do everything all at once. Start with one small, values-aligned action this week, perhaps a walk alone, a chai late, a yoga class, talking to a friend that lights you up. These small moments add up, helping you reconnect with a fuller version of yourself: a mother who honors both her needs and the needs of her children.

If You’re Feeling Stuck

If you are unsure about where to start, that’s completely understandable. You likely have a lot on your plate, and even small changes can feel overwhelming. Seeking support can help you work through guilt about prioritizing your needs and protect you from deeper burnout or disconnection. A San Diego psychologist who specializes in perinatal mental health can support you in navigating these challenges using evidence-based approaches like CBT and ACT.

You don’t have to do this alone. Reaching out for support can be an important first step toward rediscovering meaningful parts of your identity that are still very much alive and worth revisiting. Contact us to schedule an appointment with a talented member of our team and get started today.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash