Why the Difference Matters More Than You Think

Have you ever felt uneasy about keeping something to yourself – but also uncomfortable with the idea of sharing it? If so, you’re not alone. Privacy and secrecy are often confused, but they’re not the same – and understanding the difference can set the foundation for trust, or quietly erode it. Privacy is a vital, healthy boundary that protects our individuality and autonomy. It gives us space to think, feel, and simply be without outside pressure. Secrecy, on the other hand, is toxic behavior of hiding something out of fear and shame, often fear of judgement, conflict, or consequence, that can cause harm and damage relationships. In other words, while privacy nurtures trust, secrecy can quietly erode it.

Why is Privacy Important?

From private thoughts and feelings, to personal passwords, and confidential conversations with friends and family, privacy helps us maintain boundaries around our personal space, experiences, and alone time (which we introverts know is important!) Honoring our need for privacy helps us maintain balance and self-respect.

Defining Privacy in Relationships: Know Your Boundaries

Have you ever discussed with your partner, friend, or family member about what you consider private in your relationship, and what isn’t? Before starting this conversation, first ask yourself: what does privacy mean to me? Maybe it’s enjoying a quiet bath alone, or keeping conversations with your friends and family confidential.

Boundaries help us feel safe. For example, if you have a difficult parent who frequently complains about your spouse, you might choose not share the details of those conversations with your partner. Privacy allows us to shut out the world, the opportunity to drop our social persona, and discover who we are beneath the roles we play. Without a private life, can we really know who we are?

Take time to think carefully about what boundaries help you feel safe and feel respected, and then ask for them – clearly and calmly. Advocating for your boundaries can make a positive difference in your relationships by strengthening connections, reduce misunderstandings, and creating space for authenticity.

But when does a boundary become a barrier? Let’s dig in.

Why Secrets Hurt

While secrecy may appear to be a type of boundary, it often does the opposite of what healthy boundaries are meant to do. Instead of keeping us safe, secrets can erode trust and create emotional distance which can only be repaired with time and consistency. Unlike privacy, which is motivated by autonomy and self-respect, secrecy is usually fueled by fear (of losing someone’s love, respect, or loyalty) and shame (feeling bad about something we’ve done, or, not feeling we are enough).

Common examples of secrets in relationships include minimizing or lying about spending habits, hiding an addiction, or keeping sexual talk/behavior from your intimate partner. Ask yourself the following questions about secrets that might exist in your relationship:

1. 1.  Have you ever hidden how much you spend?
   2.  Have you ever kept a part of your mental health history a secret?
   3.  Have you minimized or hidden gambling or substance abuse?
   4.  Have you kept sexual behavior or emotional connections outside your relationship a secret?

How do you know what you can, or should share with a partner? If there is a secret that will negatively impact your partner, consider sharing it – especially if it violates the relationship agreement. If your partner discovered the secret before you had the chance to share it, the trust that you built over time would be easily broken.

Seek Support

Secrets don’t live in isolation – they often grow. Over time, the burden of secrecy can cause harm not only to our relationships but also to our sense of self. The bigger the secret becomes, the more it can erode our self-image and mental well-being. If you’re holding onto a secret that feels too heavy, or if you are unsure where the line between privacy and secrecy lies, it might be time to seek support.

A trusted San Diego psychologist at Therapy Changes can help you discover your boundaries, explore your fears behind secrecy, and move toward more open, loving communication. A member of our talented team is here for you – you don’t have to do this alone. Contact Us today to learn more and to schedule an appointment.

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