How to Cope After Unexpected Pregnancy Loss

The decision to begin family planning is typically an exciting time for couples or individuals. It’s a time filled with hope, excitement, and anticipation for the experiences to come. As we envision our future, we begin to consider what kind of parent we want to be, how many children we’d like to have, and what experiences we want to have with them. We may want our children to share the same celebratory experiences we once had or create new traditions. The moment we discover we’re pregnant, our dreams and visions suddenly feel more tangible. For those who have been trying for some time, it can bring a sense of relief and joy, making the long-awaited outcome finally feel real. We might eagerly share the news with family and friends, and their shared excitement can amplify our own. During this time, we’re typically not thinking about the potential concerns related to the pregnancy or the possibility of pregnancy loss.

Understanding the Grieving Process

Learning that a pregnancy is no longer viable is devastating. At first, we may feel overwhelmed with fear and confusion and desperately search for answers: “Why did this happen? How did this happen?” The sense of losing control can lead us to question our decisions, often turning to self-blame with thoughts like, “What did I do wrong?” or “What’s wrong with my body?” Feelings of shame and guilt may follow, with thoughts such as, “I was too stressed” or “I drank alcohol.”

In the depth of our grief and pain we often feel isolated and alone and want to retreat from others. A pregnancy loss doesn’t just mean the loss of a baby – it also involves the loss of certain hopes and dreams for the future. In many communities, the topic of pregnancy loss is seldom discussed, which can lead to a sense of misunderstanding and fear of others’ reactions.

How Many People Are Affected by Pregnancy Loss?

We don’t often think about the likelihood of experiencing an unexpected pregnancy loss, yet the impact is widespread. Many women endure these traumatic losses in silence, as discussions about pregnancy loss are often avoided or overlooked. Pregnancy loss or a miscarriage, is defined as a loss that occurs prior to 20 weeks of gestation. Approximately one in 25 women who know they are pregnant will experience a miscarriage, with about 80% of those losses happening in the first trimester, and most occurring within the first 7 weeks. About half of these losses are caused by chromosomal abnormalities, which are due to chance.

Re-Engaging With Our Communities

Being with family and friends can offer comfort, but for many, it can also lead to distress, unwanted comments and a sense of loneliness. When interacting with others, our loss and deep pain may not be acknowledged directly. Disenfranchised grief refers to a type of grief that isn’t acknowledged openly by society, and pregnancy loss is a form of this. It becomes evident when others minimize or dismiss the loss with comments such as, “Well, you got pregnant once so you can always try again.” This can create an expectation to simply move on, which doesn’t allow mothers to properly grieve. It’s also common to feel anger and jealousy when seeing other pregnant family members or friends. After loss, pregnant individuals can remind us of the joy and dreams we’ve lost. While it’s easy to judge ourselves for feeling this way, it’s important to recognize that these emotions are normal and it’s okay to feel this way.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

Consider these five strategies for coping with pregnancy loss:

1. Create a space for yourself to grieve and process what happened. This may include exploring ways to honor your loss by searching for a grieving ritual that speaks to you (e.g., light a candle, go to the beach to watch the waves).

2. Set boundaries with family members and friends. For example, excuse yourself from events, or assertively ask family members to refrain from making comments.

3. Attend to your own needs. Whether that means resting, engaging in creative expression or your own form of self-care.

4. Share your story. This may be with a trusted friend or through journaling, which can help you process your thoughts and feelings.

5. Join a support group. Finding a safe place where you can meet others who’ve endured similar experiences where your emotions are recognized and understood. There are local and virtual support groups available through Postpartum Support International

Reach out to a San Diego Psychologist at Therapy Changes to begin your healing journey. Meet with a therapist on our team who specializes in perinatal health who has a unique perspective to help you process and understand your grief, learn tools to assertively communicate your boundaries, explore rituals for healing, clarify what’s most important, and learn strategies for coping. Contact Us today to learn more and to schedule an appointment.

Photo by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash