What You Need to Know About Maternal Rage

Maternal rage is often misunderstood as anger or frustration experienced by mothers, stemming from the pressures and challenges of parenting. But it’s so much more. This intense emotional state is a response to systemic inequities, societal expectations, lack of support, and unmet needs amidst overwhelming parenting and household duties that cause moms to feel powerless, inferior, and invisible. Primary caregivers, who are often women, bear the brunt of household tasks while also striving to meet the impossible standards of motherhood. As a perinatal psychologist, I’ve seen many women suppress their valid outrage until it becomes impossible to contain it any longer.

Where Does Maternal Rage Come From?

At the 2024 Postpartum Support International Annual Conference, therapist Nicole McNelis, LCSW, presented on the treatment of maternal rage. She captivated a packed room, primarily occupied by female perinatal therapists, many of whom are mothers themselves. As the room filled with sympathizing groans, knowing glances, and head nods, it became evident that the phenomenon of maternal rage resonated with most everyone in attendance.

Drawing on recent research by Ou et al. (2022), Nicole described maternal rage as the result of violated expectations and compromised needs in motherhood, leading to heightened stress and either the expression or suppression of emotions. Nicole shared that many moms feel guilt and shame when their expectations of motherhood do not match reality. It’s easy to feel disappointed in parenthood. Moms often sacrifice their needs of adequate sleep, nutrition, connection to others, and self-care. Many moms experience inadequate support from their partners and messages that encourage them to “do it all” despite systemic issues (e.g. gender pay gap and limited access to affordable childcare). These unmet needs, combined with insufficient support and systemic barriers, can create a feeling of being stretched too thin and on the verge of a breaking point, often resulting in rage directed toward others.

Challenging the Myth of the “Selfless Mother”

Among Other Myths in Parenthood, the beliefs that “good mothers are selfless,” and that “motherhood is the ultimate sacrifice” set unrealistic expectations for women. Society often encourages moms to be calm, patient, and contained while they are juggling so many tasks and shouldering a majority of the mental load. Suppressed feelings eventually bubble up as explosive rage, which is then followed by shame and guilt. This cycle leads to further suppression of emotions and subsequent rage, creating what seems like a never-ending cycle.

You May be Thinking: Do I Have Maternal Rage?

The short answer is, maybe! Do you find yourself raising your voice? Do you roll your eyes at your partner multiple times a day? Slam doors? Leave the room during conflicts? Do you direct anger toward yourself (e.g. negative self- talk that sounds like, “I’m not cut out for this” or “A better mom would know what to do”)?

Exhausted parents often get stuck in a cycle where feelings of neglect escalate to feelings of rage. Expressing anger aggressively, in a way that hurts your partner can lead to defensiveness and further isolate women from the support they need. Conversely, staying silent only allows the anger to grow. Allowing the rage to build up reinforces the belief that your partner is unwilling to help, even though that may not be true.

How Do You Break this Cycle?

The key to addressing maternal rage is not to suppress your feelings. Instead, express anger and allow it to be a catalyst for change. Let’s challenge the notion that motherhood should come at the cost of sacrificing one’s well-being. Living up to the completely unrealistic standards that society sets for us only leads to self-neglect that perpetuates maternal rage. Mothers are not just caregivers but also individuals with their own needs. We must create a new narrative for motherhood where mothers have space to attend to their needs without feeling guilty or selfish.

Collaborate with your partner to address the inequities that sustain maternal rage. Instead of assuming that someone is to blame, focus instead on the challenges of parenthood as the main issue. Use your rage to serve you. Call your partner in to participate in the tasks of parenthood. Share that you’re feeling awful and that you need support.

It can be incredibly difficult for couples to manage this dynamic themselves. Often both partners feel like they are already giving one hundred percent effort and can’t imagine giving more. Participating in therapy with a San Diego psychologist can be a viable resource to promote understanding, redistribute labor, and foster respect between partners. Incorporating therapy into your already long to-do list may seem daunting and unrealistic, but the demands don’t lessen as your kids grow. Investing in addressing inequities now is well worth it. Whether you choose individual or couples therapy, the themes discussed are similar.

You and your therapist may discuss the following topics:

• Open Communication: Sharing your needs and expectations with your partner can significantly strengthen your relationship and improve mutual understanding. When you openly communicate, it can foster empathy and respect. Your therapist will help you communicate your frustrations and desires without fear of judgment so you and your partner can support each other more effectively.
• Redistribution of Household and Parenting Responsibilities: Reducing maternal rage must involve an equitable distribution of labor. Couples therapy can help identify imbalances in responsibilities and create a more balanced approach. This might involve conversations about how to create schedules, delegate tasks, and ensure active participation from both partners.
• Self-Care and Boundary Setting: Self-care for mothers, including time to engage in activities that are not related to parenting or household tasks is essential for overall mental wellbeing and a crucial factor in reducing maternal rage. The entire family doesn’t need to join mom in the bathroom while she’s showering and taking a moment to herself. Therapy can help mothers set boundaries and recognize that taking this essential time is not a luxury, but a necessity.
• Mutual Respect and Connection: Therapy can help couples build mutual respect by learning how to recognize each other’s contributions, acknowledge the challenges they face, and support each other’s emotional and physical well-being, including time away from the family.

Facing Maternal Rage Head On

Maternal rage is a powerful signal that something is considerably wrong in the way we approach the emotional labor of parenting. Be curious about your rage instead of judging or Shying Away from Your Feelings. Whether you’re a mom or a partner to one, it’s time to challenge the myth of the selfless mother and recognize that a mom who cares for herself is a mom who is well equipped to care for her family.

If you need help navigating maternal rage and resentment in your household, the professional guidance of a San Diego psychologist at Therapy Changes can help. Working with a member of our talented team who are knowledgeable in Perinatal Mental Health and Couples Therapy can help you break the patterns of self-sacrifice and suffering that leads to maternal rage in the first place. Contact Us today to learn more and to schedule an appointment. We are here for you.

 

 

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