More than half of Americans today have been, are now, or will eventually be in one or more stepfamilies during their lives. Stepfamilies are becoming the most common family form. And yet, our society lacks established patterns or rituals to help us handle the complex relationship of blended family members. Even the terms that our culture does provide, such as “stepmother” and “stepchild” can have negative connotations that increase the difficulties for families that are trying to work out these relationships.

It isn’t always easy to be a stepfamily member. Stepmothers, especially, have a difficult role. Stepmothers deserve acknowledgement for the dedication and commitment for providing stepchildren with a loving home. However, when stepchildren do not acknowledge them on Mother’s Day, many stepmoms feel disappointed and hurt.

Although the desire to be acknowledged by stepchildren on Mother’s Day is not unreasonable, it is helpful to understand the dilemma that many stepchildren face on Mother’s Day. Children’s loyalties may live with their mother, and they believe that she will be offended if they acknowledge their stepmother on Mother’s Day. Daughters, who are often closest to mothers in divorce, tend to have difficulty with stepmothers, no matter how hard the stepmother tries.

Children feel caught, afraid that if they don’t love a new stepparent, they will hurt and anger one parent, but if they do love the stepparent, they are disloyal and will hurt or lose the love of the other.

Follow these tips to help make this Mother’s Day more enjoyable for Stepmothers as well as enhance relationships within a blended family dynamic:

1. Respect your stepchild’s love for his or her mother, and avoid putting them in any kind of loyalty bind.
2. Allow children to have and express the full range of negative and positive feelings toward all of their parents and stepparents.
3. Children do better if they have regular contact with both biological parents. Such contacts increase rather than decrease the likelihood that strong and positive relationship will develop between children and their stepparents.
4. Serious discipline issues and visitation arrangements for children are best handled by the biological parent.
5. It is the couple’s bond that fosters the strength to go through the complexities of family formation – be sure to devote time to the marriage as well as your role as stepmom.
6. Allow for open lines of communication between ex-spouses and between children, their biological parents, their stepparents, their grandparents, and other relatives.
7. Set realistic expectations for your blended family. While some stepfamilies blend right away, many do not.
8. Focus on the positives rather than the negatives. Unresolved anger doesn’t serve any useful purpose, and actually is toxic. You can release negative emotions by talking with friends, meeting with a therapist, exercising, or practicing relaxation exercises.
9. Stepmothers might choose to celebrate Mother’s Day with her mother or with other women. Alternatively, stepmoms can treat themselves to a massage, lunch with friends or flowers on this day.
10. Reach out to other stepmothers for support and acknowledgment. Being a stepmother can be a lonely experience even when surrounded by many family members.

Blended families have unique needs and challenges but all share one common denominator: a hope for happiness, peace, relaxation and love at home. Remember that being a stepmother can be extremely challenging at times, yet very rewarding at the same time.

Research continues to show that the unconditional love and attentiveness given to us humans by our pets is a valuable therapeutic tool for treating depression and anxiety.  Dr. Ian Cook , director of the UCLA Depression Research and Clinic Program continues to do extensive research on the value of human-animal relationships.  He and his research team have concluded that pets can reduce tension and improve mood for all individuals, with significant results seen in the treatment of depression.  The following illustrates how Dr. Cook and his team have documented how this benefit can be achieved.

Uncomplicated Love – Pets don’t come with unnecessary baggage or “drama”, they have basic needs and respond positively when those needs are met.  The experience of pure gratitude, love and excitement about you can be the perfect antidote to the interpersonal challenges you are trying to navigate.

Responsibility – Deciding if you can take care of a pet is an important step, however, don’t underestimate the value of those feelings of accomplishment in caring and nurturing that an animal can provide to you.  Remember the rewards come back from your pet in the form of unadulterated affection and loyalty.

Activity – One of the symptoms of depression is lethargy and lack of energy.  With a pet you have someone to take on walks, roll on the floor with, chase, and just play with… all good physical activity!  Moving and being physical have been documented to aid in the decrease of depression and a pet companion can aid in that process.

Routine – When depression is a part of our lives we simply get “lost” in feeling down and troubled, our routines seem to be unimportant and the motivation to regain them is difficult to find.  With a pet we are engaged in routines of feeding, walking, cleaning, brushing, and interacting with them; these routines bring us stability and can help alleviate depression.

Companionship – Isolating yourself can happen when you are depressed, leading to feeling unloved and “invisible”.  Having a pet assures you that you are never alone, and there is always a reminder that you are wanted and important.

Social Interaction – Take your pet for a walk and see what happens!  Other pet lovers come up and ask you about your furry friend and engaging in brief and friendly chatter.  You will see how your pet can bring a smile to other people with each pat and scratch behind the ears.  An action that may have felt impossible in your depression or anxiety is now facilitated by the loving attention of your pet.

Touch – Studies continue to show that touch is an important part of healing, from depression to high blood pressure.  Petting, stroking, combing your pet can help you in feeling connected to another living creature can help you in many ways.

Before you go out and get that new pet…

Ask yourself these important questions:

• Are you comfortable with animals?

  If you are uncertain, you may want to think twice about getting a pet now.  People who were raised with or around pets growing up are more likely to benefit from a pet now.  Be fair to the pet.  Like humans, once they have a home they don’t want to be shuffled around.

• Will having a pet make you worry?

  Having a pet is to lower your anxiety and/or decrease your depression, if you are someone who worries about the responsibility or care of something, this might not be the best strategy.

• Is your depression too intense right now for a pet?

  Sometimes our depression is at a level where taking care of ourselves feels overwhelming at times, so taking care of pet can add to those feelings.  If this is you, wait until you are feeling you can/want the companionship and affection a pet can give you.

• Can you afford a pet?

  Caring for pets can be expensive.  There are licensing fees, medical care, food and grooming to name a few.  Check with your local ASPCA for estimated costs to determine if a pet can fit in your budget.

So, if you want to meet Kalvin and test this out… maybe you will be one of the lucky ones who visits the office when he is here, and I guarantee you it will be a treat!

This guide is organized in a two-part series. In this article you will find useful information to help you understand your own experience, the experience of your “college” student, and the experience of the whole family. In part two of this series (which will be posted next month,) you will find helpful strategies to employ before your student goes to college, and after.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

Recognize this is a time of ambivalence for all parents.

The excitement and joy about opportunities awaiting your son/daughter are mixed with the waves of nostalgia, a sense of loss, and maybe some “worry” about sending your student out into the world.  Letting go of those “when s/he was 2 years old” images is challenging; those thoughts and images can cloud our ability to clearly see the excitement of the future before us, and acknowledge that your son/daughter is moving into young adulthood.  A good idea is to talk with other parents who are going through the same thing.

Recognize your student’s conflicting emotions.

Your son/daughter, like you, is being pulled between past, present and future … one day exclaiming, “Leave me alone, I’m 18 years old, I’m independent,” and the next complaining, “You’re never around when I need you.” This is a significant time for them, on one hand ready for “adulthood” yet on the other hand feeling uncertain about being on their own.  These ups and downs are a sign of the ambivalence of this transitional time, and indication that your support and steady gait will be comforting to them.

Recognize the changes in other family members.

When the realization is setting in that there are eminent changes on the horizon your family dynamics may shift.  You may see siblings getting “clingy” with the soon-to-be college student, or withdrawn as anticipation of the changes ahead become real.  Siblings may also be talking about “moving in” to the college student’s bedroom, creating conflict and hurt feelings.  As parents, you can help your family adjust to this process by helping them acknowledge the loss of an important family member while remaining positive about the change. You want to be able to model excitement with understanding of these varied emotions.

Take comfort in the knowledge that part of you is going with your student.

Worries about academic challenges, alcohol/drug use, sexual experimentation, or other major life behaviors are expected for us as parents; we do want our student to be happy and safe.  The foundation you have provided over the past 18 years will accompany your son/daughter across the miles and throughout the years.  I’ve talked to parents and reminded them that a son/daughter’s successful admittance to the university is a testimony to their diligence and support, and those life lessons leading to this stage will continue to guide them in the decisions and choices they make.

Be an optimistic realist to your student.

You may look back on your college years, or first time away from home, and remember primarily the good times; you have wisdom with that hindsight which sometimes softens the “hard” memories [e.g., “all-nighters”, ramen 3 times a day, 6 roommates, broken heart].  Preparing your student is letting them know that you want them to enjoy their life, and you recognize that there will be rough patches along the way; assure them of your faith in their ability to manage these times and offer your presence without forcing it on them.

Enjoy this time of celebration.

The excitement of high school graduation, special summer vacation, receiving college admission letters, roommate notifications, campus visits, and shopping for college supplies are ever present in the months to come.  Think of small ways to celebrate your pride in your student and this accomplishment.

During the coming months leading to high school graduation, recognize that this is now a new milestone for you, as a parent, and for your son/daughter, and as with many milestones we want to celebrate the accomplishments leading to this moment in time.   The future for your son/daughter lies before them and they have skills you’ve provided to guide them on this path.  Your future, too, is before you learning how to engage your son/daughter as an adult, someone who still needs your presence and counsel while wanting your faith and confidence in their ability to manage this significant change.

The San Diego Victim Assistance Coordinating Council (VACC) knows first-hand the work that needs to be done, and is dedicated to providing better service to victims. The group is comprised of members from law enforcement, local government, medical and mental health agencies including Therapy Changes, as well as other victim service providers.

VACC is pleased to announce the 24^th annual Candlelight Tribute for Crime Survivors event on Monday, April 22^nd. The event will be held at the San Diego Police Association Hall, 8288 Vickers Street in Kearny Mesa starting at 5:30pm. The Tribute is a wonderful way for members of the community to come together in the spirit of companionship, strength, and courage to remember their loved ones and pay tribute to those who have been affected by violent crime.

If you or a loved one has been impacted by violent crime, help is available. VACC has made available a free informational booklet containing valuable information for crime survivors that can be used at various stages of the process – from the trauma itself to accessing medical care and navigating through the judicial system. Because the emotional effects of trauma can be devastating following a crime, survivors are likely to benefit from professional therapy. Therapy can help survivors learn to cope with, and ultimately recover from, emotional trauma. Please call the office of Therapy Changes to learn more about how therapy can help during this difficult time.

It takes a great deal of practice to learn the art of dream interpretation. Numerous online sites and books offer guidance about how to interpret dreams, but most of these approaches have not been studied empirically and are not theoretically sound. An exception to this is the Hill (1996) model of dream interpretation. Clara Hill offers the following three principles to follow when interpreting your dream:

1. Dreams reflect waking-life issues. Dreams can clue us into issues that we might not otherwise realize. Through dream interpretation, the dreamer can reach greater understanding of conflicts, events, and experiences that are happening now.
2. Dreams are personal. The dreamer is the only one who knows with certainty what the dream is telling him or her. There is no one “right” dream meaning, and dreams can mean different things at different times in a person’s life.
3. Action needs to follow exploration. For lasting change, the dreamer must create a change in their daily life that mirrors a change that they would make in the dream.

For those interested in learning more about their dreams, use these techniques to begin exploring what your dreams are telling you:

1. Start a Dream Journal. Keep a notebook and a pen near your bed and whenever you remember your dream, jot it down with as much detail as possible.
2. Explore Major Images. Using your journal, circle all of the major images in your dream. An image can be a person, object, emotion, or action. Explore each image in as much detail as possible utilizing all five of your senses.
3. Make Associations. Make associations to your waking life and connect emotions in your dreams to emotions that you have had in the past. Ask yourself: what is happening now in your life that could have provoked that particular image in your dream?
4. Notice Themes. Recurrent dreams or dreams with repetitive themes can clue you into major life issues that have yet to be resolved.
5. Create Action. Think about a change that you would make to the dream and translate that change that you would make in your life.

If you are finding it difficult to interpret your dream, don’t worry. It’s not uncommon to have problems with interpretation. In fact, many people find it helpful to seek the guidance of a professional to assist them in deriving meaning from vivid or recurrent dreams. The best approach when feeling stuck is to relax and allow the meaning of the dream to come to you, whether it takes a few minutes, hours, or possibly the next day.

If you are currently in therapy, consider talking about your dreams with your therapist. Research shows that those who use the Hill model of dream interpretation in therapy report higher levels of satisfaction and feel like the relationship with their therapist is more collaborative. Above all, remember that dreams are yours, and yours only to interpret. So, have fun with it, and good luck!

References:

Pesant, N., Zadra, A. (2004). Working with dreams in therapy: what do we know and what should we do? Clinical Psychology Review, 24, 489-512.

Hill, C. E. (1996). Working with dreams in psychotherapy. New York: Guilford Press.

The following are simple and effective ways to help manage financial stress:

1. Review your financial costs and debt. This can be a little overwhelming at first, but the more you know, the more you can become proactive in planning and reducing any unnecessary costs and making your finances more manageable. Simple small steps such as setting a daily budget and paying a little more towards any incurring debts can make a significant difference. Examine the problems areas. What are your unnecessary costs? Can you reduce in certain areas? Can you plan to pay more than the minimum amount?
2. Set measurable financial goals. Most people set career goals, family goals, personal goals…What about financial goals? What is it about finances that cause so much worry? Finances can be like any other area in life. Ask yourself what your vision is. What do you want your finances to look like in 6 months, 12 months, and 5 years? How will you get there? Your goals need to match with your spending habits, and if they don’t; it’s time to do a little shuffling around with priorities.
3. Reward yourself. When you reach your financial goals, reward yourself. Whether this means rewarding yourself with the relief that you are in a better financial situation than you were 6 months ago or rewarding yourself with a night out, it’s important to recognize your efforts and success.
4. Freely express your concerns and questions regarding financial matters. Most of us are hesitant to bring up money matters to others or our loved ones for fear of acknowledging that the current situation is not as ideal as we would like. However, talking about it can bring on support and empathy which are cornerstones to healthy relationships. Talk to someone you trust. This can make a big difference, even if it’s just to get those feelings off your chest.
5. Examine how you manage your stress specifically related to money. Do you avoid? Do you get overwhelmed? Do you find comfort in unhealthy habits? Everyone has a different way of dealing with stress. It’s important to acknowledge if any of these ways are unhealthy and have led to negative consequences.
6. Practice healthy ways to cope with your financial stress. Relaxation management is a simple and easy way to reduce stress. Take deep breaths. Go for a walk. Watch a movie. Talk to a friend. Play with your children. Read a book. There are many inexpensive and quick ways to makes us feel better. Try them out. You will find something as simple as the above can bring on a great sense of peace

Financial stress is certainly not easy. If you find yourself continuing to feel stressed and use negative coping strategies to deal with stress, you may want to consider seeking a therapist who can help you address and understand these emotions and behaviors related to your financial situation. Therapists who follow a Cognitive-Behavioral approach understand the connection between thoughts and emotions and how these translate into behaviors. Talking to a therapist can help promote healthy behavior changes and this can apply to all areas of your life, including your finances.

What are Boundaries and Why are They Important?

Simply put, boundaries are healthy limits that you set between yourself and others.  Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or intellectual.  Setting boundaries will help you separate your own feelings from others’ and help protect your self-esteem. Standing your ground and taking care of yourself and your needs will help you feel better in the end and have more energy for the things that you want to do.  By setting appropriate boundaries with others, you also allow others the opportunity to take care of themselves.

Suggestions for Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries:
Setting boundaries can be a difficult and daunting task.  Maintaining these boundaries can prove to be equally or even more difficult.  Start small, be assertive and direct, seek support, and give yourself permission to make self-care a priority for you.

Below are some helpful suggestions for accomplishing your boundary goals, thus allowing you the freedom of taking care of your own needs:

1. When setting a boundary, try doing so in just a few words, avoiding apologizing and justifying.  Set the boundary clearly, firmly and calmly, while remaining respectful
2. Remember that you are only responsible for communicating your boundary respectfully.  You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting
3. Initially, you may feel uncomfortable when setting your boundary.  With practice and consistency you will find that it gets easier over time. When the going gets tough, remind yourself that you have a right to self-care
4. Listen to yourself, when you feel resentment, anger, or unease, this is probably your instincts telling you that you need to set a boundary
5. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a process that takes time.  Be sure to acknowledge your own process and time frame while rewarding yourself for the gains that you are making
6. Surround yourself with people who support your efforts in establishing healthy boundaries and who can offer encouragement at times when you feel uneasy

In order to help children cope with the death of a loved one, it is important to learn how they understand death. A child’s concept of death is based on his or her physical, cognitive, and emotional development. In addition, a child is influenced by what he or she has learned at school or within the family system, cultural and religious beliefs, and previous experiences with death. Below are guidelines offered to help you talk to your child about death and the impact it has on him or her.

Infancy
Infant children will not have any understanding or comprehension of death but will react to parent’s emotions. What is likely to help at this age is keeping the baby’s routine as consistent as possible.

Preschoolers
Preschool-age children are likely to fear separation, but think that death is temporary. During a child’s play they may pretend that some living thing has died and then is brought back to life again. When describing death to a preschooler, it is helpful to tell the child that death means that the body stops working and won’t start working again. Children at this age may also be alarmed by the grief reaction of those around them. You may choose to say something like “mommy and daddy are very sad right now because we miss (the loved one’s name), but we are going to be okay.”

4 to 6 years old
Children at this age may wonder why people have to die. They still have a hard time understanding that death is permanent and may develop some wrong ideas. For example, they may think their angry thoughts or jealous feelings could have caused the person to die. In the child’s magical world, wishes and desires can make things happen. A child at this age is likely to benefit from reassurance that they did nothing to cause the death.

6 to 9 years old
At this age, children may still think that the person who died can come back, but they are beginning to understand that death is final. If they believe in heaven and life after death, they may wonder why they can’t go there and visit. At this age parents or caregivers can expect many different types of questions about life and death. It may be helpful for adults to develop rehearsed responses to repeated questions such as, “Why did (the loved one’s name) have to die?” Rehearsing answers in advance may help ease the emotional shock of such questions.

9 through 11 years old
Children at this age may begin to understand that death is final and inevitable. As a result, he or she may show interest in the biological aspects of death and details of funeral. Again, having rehearsed answers to difficult questions such as, “What happens to (the loved one’s name) body after they die?” will be helpful.

Adolescence
By about 12 years old, children can understand death as well as an adult, but they are preoccupied with the present, with their relationships with their peers, and with their own identity. It is not uncommon for teenagers to avoid talking about the loved one who died. They may express themselves nonverbally through music, journaling, or in their physical appearance.

For more information on children’sgrief responses and how to support a child through grief, please refer to Understanding Child Grief.

Tearful, tantrum-filled goodbyes are common during a child’s earliest years. Around the child’s first birthday, separation anxiety can develop when a parent leaves for the first time. Although separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of childhood development, it can be unsettling for parents and caregivers. Understanding your child’s reactions and knowing a few coping strategies can help you and your child get through this difficult transitional time.

Understanding a Child’s Reaction

Stresses such as significant life change that results in a disruption to a child’s routine can trigger separation anxiety later in a child’s life. Probably one of the most significant transitions that occur in early childhood is a change in care situation, commonly attending preschool or kindergarten. Other changes can include a new sibling, moving to a new place, or tensions at home. The experience of separation anxiety lasts a variable amount of time, depending on the child and how a parent responds. In some cases, it can last through elementary school years, although typically it lasts only a few months.

During the early childhood stage of development, parents or caregivers are likely to experience a variety of intense, hard-to-understand emotions. On one hand, it can be gratifying to know that your child is as attached to you as you are to him or her. On the other hand, feelings of guilt can arise when you take time out for yourself and the amount of attention your child seems to require from you can seem overwhelming at times.

Positive Parenting Strategies

The following acronym, GRAPES will allow you to stay focused on what your child needs most:

• Goodbye ritual. Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a goodbye kiss.
• Routine. Keep familiar surroundings when possible and make new surroundings familiar.
• Acknowledge feelings. Try saying: “I know you feel sad and scared…”
• Practice Separation. Leave your child with a caregiver for brief periods and short distances at first.
• Enjoy your child’s accomplishments. Praise your child’s efforts – even the smallest.
• Swift goodbyes. Tell your child that you are leaving and that you will return and then go – don’t stall.

When to Call for Additional Help

Childhood, by nature is marked by certain fears – of monsters, of the dark, or being left with a new babysitter, of starting school, and so on. In early childhood, crying, tantrums or clinginess are healthy reactions to these fears. Separation Anxiety Disorder, however, is a more serious condition that requires additional support. “Separation Anxiety Disorder in children is the most common anxiety disorder,” Dr. Perper explains. “It is marked by extreme difficulty when away from home or loved ones. The disorder is marked by intense fear that the child’s parents or caregivers will be harmed when they are away from the home.” Therapy provided by professional therapists who specialize in children’s issues can be helpful to assist children in developing skills to overcome their fears and support families in learning positive parenting approaches to ease their child’s distress.

Those interested in learning more about separation anxiety in children are invited to download the Managing Separation Anxiety in Children resource. Be sure to tune into  FOX5 San Diego segment on the morning of March 19. During the segment, Dr. Perper will discuss specific coping methods for separation anxiety. I hope to be able to help parents dealing with this common problem.

The Mommy and Daddy Handbook

• Continue to support your friend. He or she is likely to need additional support during the first year following the loss. Typically the bereaved person is inundated with phone calls and visits immediately after the death, followed by a period of “silence” from their community. You can help make your friend feel supported by continuing to make phone calls every now and then to check-in and say hello.
• In addition to checking-in over the phone or with a note, you may also want to set a date with your friend on a weekly or monthly basis. Ask your friend to join you for a walk or a meal. Low-stress activities are often the best, so avoid crowded or noisy spaces. For example, suggest watching a movie at home rather than going to the movies. Don’t take it personally if your friend declines your offer or doesn’t return every phone call. Keep trying anyway, the invitations are sometimes just as helpful as the activity.
• Help out wherever you see a need. Your friend may find it difficult to ask for the help that he or she needs. This does not mean that they don’t need it! You can help support your friend by offering to do specific things. For example, volunteer to shop or do laundry, bring dinner, make phone calls, etc.  Anticipate needs that may arise in the future like cleaning the gutters or changing the oil in the car. A close friend or family member might also offer to help go through papers or belongings of the deceased whenever the bereaved person is ready to do so.
• Listen well. A sympathetic ear is often the best support that you can offer as a caring friend or family member. Avoid giving unsolicited advice and steer clear of such phrases as, “It’s God’s will,” or, “It’s for the best,” unless your friend says this. Often, people work through grief and trauma by telling their story over and over. Frequently, those who are grieving really wish others would just listen. It’s your understanding – not usually your advice – that is most sorely needed.
• It is okay to talk about the deceased with your friend. You might worry that your friend will fee sad if you talk about the person who died. However, your friend is likely feeling sad and thinking about the deceased anyway. Talking about his or her loved one is not likely to make your friend feel sadder, although it may prompt tears. Many people say that it is comforting to know that other people are thinking of the person who died, too. Try sharing funny or warm anecdotes that show how important or special the deceased person was.
• Above all, be patient with your friend. His or her life and emotional landscape have changed enormously, possibly forever. You may wish that he or she would “move on” or “snap out of it.” However, you can’t speed the process of recovery. Let your friend heal at the pace that feels right for him or her. A worthwhile approach will be to accept the path that your friend chooses and avoid judgments.

Some helpful words from those who are grieving:

The Caring Friend

When we honestly ask ourselves:
which persons in our lives mean the most to us,
We often find that it is those who,
instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures,
Have chosen rather
to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us
in a moment of despair or confusion,
Who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,
Who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing,
and face us with the reality of our powerlessness…
That is the friend who cares.
-Henri Nouwen

The Elephant in the Room

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet, we squeeze by with, “How are you?” and “I’m fine.”
…and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather. We talk about work.
We talk about everything else- except the elephant in the room.
We all know it’s there – we are thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds, for it is a very big elephant.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room!
For if we talk about their death, perhaps we can talk about their life.
Can I say my loved one’s name and not have to look away?
For if I cannot, you are leaving me –alone- in a room…
With an elephant.
-Ann Lander